It' Hard

I've been a self imposed shut in for years. I went out into the field. I was doing okay, not loved, but tolerated, and some people liked me. Overeager, too wanting to fit in, I made a disaster area of me.

I've been judged by some people and left wanting.  It's not against me, it's for their friend. I am honored they love her so much. This person deserves it.

If you see someone having a panic attack, it's not against anyone. It's not personal. It's what it is. I had one. I had a major one, out of nowhere. I did put ice cream and the reaction together. I like that I am getting answers.

My personal crisis was seen as an attack on someone else. I wasn't in that place. I understood her position. I was scared and panic attacks are not a party of more than one. It's just you in a darkness. You hear your voice, you know you're there, and you are drowning in a world you cannot control. To get out of them you need to let go of the need to hang on. That's really easy to say when you are not having one. Do you see them coming? No. Are you weak because you have them? No. It is. Mental health issues are scary. No one knows what to do and crazy Nancy, well....I'm a bowl-full. If I could have not had a panic attack, I would have chosen not to. You get so scared of the next one, you cease to function. However, hiding did nothing for me, except make me more afraid. More scared than I thought possible. The more that people told me not to have it, I could damage someone else, the more guilt fell. I wanted to breath, but not alone. I took a Klonopin, and started to calm down. However, to make an ass of yourself like that, in front of people you barely know? I feel so ashamed. I'm mentally hiding today. I am not evil, nor broken. Tomorrow I will dust myself off and go on. I will talk to my shrink. Mental issues are not something to be scared of. No one wants pity, either. No one having one wants to be told it's making things worse. We know that.

However, every time I go out and I don't panic, it's a win. A huge one. The attacks will subside. I will always be depressed with ADHD. It's part of me. I refuse to cage myself. I never want a moment of my life to make anyone else feel bad. However, I cannot be alone and lonely in fear of being an ass. Besides, my personality can be abrasive when I am scared. I'm working on that and I need to work with actual humans to get there. It just is what it is and time helps. Life is coming back to me. I want to feel it again. Without fear. One step at a time.